Making Excuses-Family
“My parents didn’t have a good marriage. Of course my boyfriend and I fight all the time and don’t really communicate.”
“My siblings went to party schools. I don’t drink as much as they did.”
“My mom doesn’t respect me, why should I respect her?”
“He started it!”
This is a touchy post. It’s uncomfortable. More than age or finances, more than religion and politics—family is a tough subject in general. If you are blessed with a wonderful family that has had only minor issues during your life, congratulations, you are in the minority. If you struggle with an imperfect family, welcome to the club, we have T-shirts and monthly meetings (not really, but maybe we should).
The temptation to make excuses because of your family is always there when you come from even a moderately rough background.
Some background info before we really delve into this excuse and how to neutralize it.
My parents were never married and my dad moved out when I was seven. Although we’ve stayed connected over the years, we’re not as close as I would prefer. I have two siblings, a brother who is seven years older than me with a belief system entirely different than my own and a sister who is close enough in age that we pretty much had the same childhood. Over the past two decades, my family has been through its fair share of issues emotionally, financially, and relationally.
We’re an imperfect family.
And we love each other.
That love doesn’t prevent our family from becoming an excuse. It’s really easy to blame my parents’ separation for my inability to commit to a relationship. It’s really easy to blame my sister for my insecurities (she’s gorgeous and two years older than me, she’s a catch that’s been happily caught for the last three and a half years though, sorry boys). It’s really easy to blame my brother for my fear of expressing my faith to people.
Just because it’s easy, doesn’t mean it’s a good idea.
There are plenty of times when something from our childhoods will impact who we are as an adult, but as tempting as it is to play the blame game with our family, it destroys our relationships. Blame tends to foster bitterness and resentment, which doesn’t foster healthy relationships.
There are certain things that I consider mind over matter type moments when it comes to the blame game. When it comes to my insecurities or my fears, which aren’t paralyzing in nature, I recognize the blame that I have placed on my family, forgive them their imperfections, as I ask that they forgive mine.
The next step in the process of removing the traces of blame that I place on others is recognizing the responsibility that resides with me. My relationship is not dependent on my parents’ ability to commit to one another, but on my ability to commit to someone. My insecurities are not my sister’s issue to deal with, but come from something in me that I need to deal with, as is also the case with my fear of sharing my faith.
Sometimes, there are much larger issues at play, as in the cases of abuse or neglect, which will take more than some positive thinking to deal with and overcome. There are times when the best thing you can possibly do for yourself is to talk to someone, and I’m not just referring to a chit-chat over coffee with friends, although there is some undeniable magic power somewhere inside coffee beans that makes those discussions full of infinite wisdom (I think it’s the caffeine). There will be times when the best person to talk to is a counselor. There is no shame in seeking wisdom from someone that is outside your circumstance. In fact, I recommend it.
If you would like to talk to someone, but don’t know where to start, this is a good place: http://www.twloha.com/find-help/
Being the people that we have spent the most time around, it is easy to turn the blessing of a family into a curse through the blame that we place on them. Using family as an excuse can poison the relationship that we have with them, but things don’t have to be that way. Your circumstances can be something that you grow out of, instead of something you are buried in, but you have to stop making excuses.
Oh, and call your mother. She misses you.
